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Enjoy your spouse.

1. Enjoy your spouse for who they are.

2. Discover and foster mutual interests. Best friends find things they both like to do and continue to develop those mutual interests.

3. Prioritize your spouse.

4. Spend quality time with your spouse.

5. Remind your spouse of their best qualities, especially when they feel vulnerable.

6. Criticize (without being critical). Best friends challenge you to be the best person you can be.

7. Listen, don’t judge. Our friends want to know first and foremost that we understand them.

8. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.

9.  Let it go a bit when your spouse is grumpy. We all have bad days and want our friends to give us wiggle room when we have them.

10. Take notice of your spouse’s favorites. If something is important to your spouse, recognize it, even if it is not important to you.

11. Don’t take advantage of your spouse’s weaknesses. Recognize that your spouse trusts you.

12. Only speak good things about your spouse, every time and to everyone.

13. Defend your spouse in front of others. If someone talks negatively of your spouse, defend them. That is what friends do.

Find something you enjoy to do and do it with your spouse.

14. Do things for your spouse. You do not need a reason and you should no expect anything in return.

15. Tell your spouse the truth. Sometimes you need to level with your friends in a kind, respectful way.

16. Discuss your hurt or anger with your spouse during disagreements without belittling them.

17. Share in your spouses happiness. It is always more fun to be happy together!

18. Celebrate in your spouses success. If your spouse has accomplished something (even a small something) congratulate and cheer.

19. Share your interests, your thoughts and opinions. It is important to show your spouse you are willing to trust him or her with your thoughts and opinions as well.

20. Communicate clearly. You should not expect your spouse to read your mind. Be clear when expressing your thoughts.

20. Keep your spouses secrets. Your spouse needs to trust that emotions and thoughts shared with you are for your ears only.

21. Accept your spouse’s silence. Respect that sometimes your spouse is not yet ready to talk about something and be patient.

22. Laugh with your spouse.

23. Treat your spouse as your equal. Friendships are a give and take that balances out over your friendship.

24. Support your spouse’s decisions. You may sometimes disagree but in the end do your best to support your spouse in their decision.

25. Be reliable for your spouse. Sometimes we may bail on our spouse because “they will understand”. You should also make every effort to come through with what you said you would do.

The next time you snap at your spouse, or half-listen to they story they are telling about work, ask yourself if this is how you would treat your best friend. Then, ask yourself: why your spouse deserves anything less?

Photos courtesy of boliston, Chau kar, mike baird on Flickr.

Source: <a href=»http://www.veteransunited.com»>http://www.veteransunited.com</a>

My boyfriend and I are becoming more observant since being together. It is lovely that I am getting so such insight into our religion, and we are slowly starting to observe the Shabbat and more mitzvot. Anyway here is what’s bothering me: my boyfriend is now saying that to make our relationship last/work we need to abstain from being intimate with each other until we’re married. Part of me understands his position, but I feel that intimacy is an important part of a relationship, and would create a very strong bond between us. I know that I love him and wish to marry him one day, so this is not your average passing relationship. So what’s wrong with pre-marital intimacy?

Answer:

Imagine your favorite coffee mug broke in half, and you want to glue it together. You go to Home Depot and buy the most highly recommended, strongest glue. Then you read the instructions. You clean the surfaces as directed, very carefully make sure that the two halves are perfectly even and matched. Then you apply the glue.

But what would happen if you applied the glue right away? Before reading the instructions, before prepping the surfaces properly, before aligning them perfectly?

Intimacy is the strongest bond that exists between two human beings.

Because the power and the bond created by intimacy is so great, it is vitally important that this «glue» is not applied within a relationship until we have assured that everything else fits perfectly. Is there an intellectual bonding/commitment (respect and liking — a vital and highly underrated component in any marital relationship)? Is there an emotional bonding/commitment (love)? Is there a legal bonding/commitment (legal marriage, ketubah)? A public bonding/commitment (wedding)? A spiritual bonding/commitment (chuppah and kiddushin — Jewish marriage according to the precepts of Torah)? Only when all these other bonding/commitments are in place is it time to apply the final «glue» — the physical bonding.

Intimacy does not strengthen liking, respect, love, or spiritual connection. It creates a bond. This bond may actually obscure the fact that there is something missing in the liking, respect, love, or spiritual connection. It conceals, rather than reveals. And so, during the period of dating, getting to know the other and determining if indeed this is the person with whom we want to spend a lifetime, the person who we want to come home to even when we are old and gray, the person who we want to be the parent of our children — during this time intimacy is a hindrance, rather than a help, in assisting us to make that all important decision.

Once the decisions have been made, and the commitments have been proclaimed to the entire world, then it is time to apply the final glue.1

In fact, even within the context of marriage there are times when a husband and wife should not be intimate with each other. These are the laws of Family Purity, which maintain the marriage as a multi-dimensional relationship, not just a bedroom relationship. But that’s a whole ‘nuther story. If and when the two of you decide to get married, then is the time to become familiar with these all-important laws.

When you keep your hands off, you learn to commune with your minds and your heart. And intimacy is all the more special, then, once you’re married:.

FOOTNOTES
1. Interestingly, according to Mariah Wojdacz of LegalZoom.com, a leading online legal service center: «The highest risk factor for divorce may be surprising, since it is often seen as a way to promote stability and security in a relationship. Couples who move in together prior to marriage have a far greater chance of divorce than couples who do not. How much higher is that risk? Some studies suggest couples who co-habitat before marriage, divorce at a rate as high as 85 percent.» For more on this, See Dating the Jewish Way.
BY CHAYA SARAH SILBERBERG
Chaya Sarah Silberberg serves as the rebbetzin of the Bais Chabad Torah Center in West Bloomfield, Michigan, since 1975. She also counsels, lectures, writes, and responds for Chabad.org’s Ask the Rabbi service.
About the artist: Dovid Brook lives in Sydney, Australia, and has been selling his art since he was in high school. He is currently painting and doing web illustrations. To view or purchase David’s art, please visit davidasherbrook.com.

Source: Chabad.org

Is there truth to the rumor that if you do 3 successful shidduchs (i.e. match three people with their future spouse) you go to the highest level of heaven? What is the theory behind it? And is it true that you are completely absolved of any sins you may have committed too??

Answer:

I have never heard of these promises before, but nevertheless bringing soul-mates together is one of the greatest things you can do. Here’s why:

1) It’s the first thing G-d did after He created the world — He introduced Adam and Eve. So you are doing G-d’s work.

2) While we are single, we are only half a soul. By reuniting someone with their other half, you have made them complete. This not only benefits those two individuals, but also the entire world — another piece of fragmentation has been healed.

3) There are souls waiting to come down into this world; by introducing their parents to each other you have brought them closer to fulfilling their purpose.

So the matchmaker has done good for themselves, the couple, the future generations and the entire world!

But even if the couple you introduce don’t hit it off, it’s still did no harm. Because there is a tradition that we have to meet a certain number of people before we can meet our soul-mate. Even the «failed attempts» help, because it brings the real one that much closer.

So if you have an idea for someone — suggest it! I can’t guarantee it will absolve all your sins, but the rewards are definitely worth it.

BY ARON MOSS
Rabbi Aron Moss teaches Kabbalah, Talmud and practical Judaism in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.

Source: Chabad.org

Rabbi, do you give romance guidance?

I am in a serious relationship with a great guy. We have been together for a while now and I have very strong feelings for him. He is ready to get married, and is getting a bit impatient with me. But I’m just not sure. Something is holding me back, and I can’t put my finger on it. Sometimes I think, if he’s my soul-mate, why do I have doubts? I don’t want to hurt him but I just don’t know what to do. Any advice?

Answer:

Finding your soul-mate is almost as hard as finding your soul. Seeking advice is vital, whether it be from a counselor, a rabbi or a mentor. Not that I can tell you if he is your soul-mate; I know of no magical test to find that out. But G-d knows, and I suggest that you pray for guidance. All I can do is try to help you reach some clarity, so you can find an answer on your own.

Something is holding you back. The question you should be asking yourself is this: Is the problem in me, in him or in us (i.e.. the relationship)?

Maybe he is indeed your soul-mate, and there is something within you that is making you hesitate. Are you scared of commitment? Have you been scarred by past relationships? Did you grow up without good role models to know what a healthy marriage looks like? If so, what is holding you back is fear. It could be that he is the one for you, but you are paralyzed by fear which makes you unable to see it. But remember — fear never introduces itself by its own name. Fear disguises itself in all types of very reasonable statements — «I’m not ready to get married», «He isn’t the type of guy I dreamed of», «I want to establish my career first» — when the real issue is simple: you’re scared. If that’s the only issue, then you have to work on opening yourself up to a real commitment.

Maybe the problem is him. Nobody’s perfect, so there must be things about him that you don’t really like, but over time you have learnt to overlook them. What are they? Are they minor issues, like the way he cuts his toenails or that he can’t play tennis? Then you should forgive him. Or are they bigger ones, like his temper or the way he treats people? In marriage we come to overlook (and sometimes even love) the flaws in our spouse. But we will probably never change them. When married, turning a blind eye to imperfections is great. When dating, it’s dangerous. If you are overlooking parts of his personality that you will not be able to live with, then the problem is him and you should get out of there.

On the other hand, perhaps he is a great guy, and his flaws are minor. Perhaps the problem is not him, and not you, but «us» — the two of you together. You are two fantastic people, but the relationship is not so fantastic. Do you communicate well? Does he understand you when you share with him your feelings? Do you share similar values and beliefs? Do you respect him? Are you heading in similar directions in life? Is he willing to put your needs in front of his? Would you do that for him?

If you are not connecting, then maybe you are two lovely individuals that have some things in common, but are just not on the same page. Or maybe the relationship needs more work. This means not only learning how to communicate better, but also knowing what each other’s values and priorities are. I have seen couples that have been together for years but never actually discussed values. It may not be very romantic, but ask yourself: If I would ask my partner, «What are the five most important things in life?», do I know what his answer would be? Am I comfortable with that answer?

Perhaps you need more time. Perhaps there are a combination of issues that are complicating things. But if you can ascertain where the main issue lies, you will have an answer.

If it’s him — there are things about him that won’t change and you can’t live with — move on.

If it’s us — you are not connecting — then the relationship needs some attention to see if it can flourish.

But if the problem is not in him, and not in your relationship, but in you — your fears and past experiences — then you need to liberate yourself from them. It may take a leap of faith, but you will feel light, you will be free to love, and most of all, you will find your soul-mate. And maybe your soul too.

BY ARON MOSS
Rabbi Aron Moss teaches Kabbalah, Talmud and practical Judaism in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.

Source: Chabad.org

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